...And it's me! I can't say I look exactly like this peach on the left but there is certainly plenty o' sex in my violence...and I don't wear a mask unless I've been on a deep dive with one of those hosehounds I introduced Tiger and Jesse James to a few years ago. I was just tryin' to shake 'em, you know. Hoes get old and I've always got a fresh erection for my next selection. Hector? Dumpster? Mantis? Moose? I got hoes on the loose so build up the juice and regurgitate on this blog more often.

Big BASS-TERD.

This is my boy, Kevin Range, with a big ole bass. This 9 pounder was caught effortlessly at a secret spot somewhere in America. We simply dropped a piece of bread on a #8 hook and yanked out a little bluegill. Then we dropped ole bluegie down in front of this monster. As soon as he started chasin', Kev dropped the bail and let him run for a bit. Then he had to step aside the bridge and reel him in from the bank. This was one true "lazy-man's" fishin' trip. This took all of 7 minutes.

IS IT OVER?

IS THIS THE LAST WE HEAR FROM OUR HEROES? WILL THE BE ANY MORE FROM POUND MY BLOG? TUNE IN NEXT WEEK KIDS.....

Freality

After screaming through the Samsung 500 at the Texas Motor Speedway and the Subway Fresh Fit 500 at the Phoenix International Raceway, #9 Lance Mantis remains #1 in the fantasy NASCAR league, with The Duke of Padukah fast approaching!!

Readers often ask me why I care so much about my fantasy dominance when I so thoroughly dominate "real" racing. I ask them to consider reality as fantasy and fantasy as reality.

Fantasy as reality: A leprechaun, the Blessed Virgin Mary, or the "extraterrestrial" that hovers over my race car...angels, demons...dragons...as real as anything else, but undetected?

Reality as fantasy: Think of what you consider "real"...how confident do you feel in it's realness? Consider everything you sense and perceive as the result or "output" of the processing that occurs in your brain, nervous system, etc...one continuous and highly sophisticated projection? Like life as a lifelong movie?

I recommend easing off of the fantasy/reality dichotomy and consider them as one sometimes...don't mentally separate them so rigidly as you would, say, mentally separate me from the rest of the field in any race no matter when or where, like this weekend's Aaron's 499 at the Talladega Superspeedway!

Murder at Mantisville

The Mantisville Speedway (aka "The Paperclip"), the shortest track in NASCAR's Sprint Cup Series (0.526 miles), with only 12 degrees of banking on the curves, takes a heavy toll on brakes, tires, and ANYONE WHO DARES TO RACE ME.

At last Sunday's Goody's Fast Pain Relief 500 (aka "The Mantisville Massacre"), the #9 car so definitively dominated the race that the everyone left thinking Jimmy Johnson had won! Well, kudos to JJ for so deftly edging out Denny Hamlin in a heated battle for fastest loser, but by the time #48 crossed the finish line, #9 had finished his famous "48 states" victory lap.

Those who say "it's lonely at the top" haven't spent much time there. Hey, don't take it from me...ask Moose Knuckle about his vast array of fantasy stone circle death match league championships...but surely direct any such questions regarding our rock and roll romance towards me...right Loosey Moosey? We all know who's on top in that league.

Doo-Doo Flake City

Doo-doo Flake: An interesting word combo that I recently overheard. I just find it humorous. Never in my life have I pooed in the form of a flake...or flakes...nor have I seen such forms of poo in picture, print, or theater. This phenomenon must have occurred at some point, somewhere. It is my quest to find a doo-doo flake. I do imagine that if I cannot find a doo-doo flake, I could create a doo-doo flake of my own. My guess is that I would have to take a poo in my pants and then go ahead and sit right down to smash the poo all over my bottom. Then I would play the waiting game...just waiting for it to dry. Once dried, I would need to chisel the poo off of my butt cheeks...and BAM!!! DOO-DOO FLAKES for all. To speed up the process, I guess I could use a hairdryer, or just bask in the sun with my naked poo covered rear in open air.

...still...

...stillness abound, stillifus rex emerges from shell...crowd storms number nine car like the bastille...stillifus practices stilts, sharp like stiletto...crowd goes still like seeing hillbilly with gills...stillifus rex, aka bristol pete lairavich...first place in fantasy nascar league...bri-still...

...bristol motor speedway, concrete short track (0.533 miles), very steep banking...fosters breathing compatible rhythm of revving (straightaways) and relative resting (turns) of engine...kung fu ninja breathing exercises help bristol pete sync breathing with number nine car engine, enhancing guidance systems...consider structural relation between iambic pentameter and beating heart...

...celebrated checkered finish with checkered evening of stiller vile life with sirius supporters...sipping distilled space vodka with isis, talking of sun-day when we race goody's fast pain relief 500...at the mantisville speedway in ridgeway, virginia...